Move on, baby girl.
dear girl who is in love,
you are not going to talk to him. i know it is hard, it physically hurts you now, near your chest. you see his statuses and you know they are directed at you. you saw him in that photo but the smile was not the same. you visited that restaurant yesterday where you made him try mediterranean food for the first time, yet you could not make yourself sit in the far corner of that place anymore.you pull out the necklace he gave you and throw it into the black corners of your cupboard. the beautiful, yet tragic memories are recalled and they are starting to hurt more, rather than make you feel happier.
you are not going to ever, ever, ever contact him again. you really want to know why?
here is what happened.
the man you love is there.
well, being so stupid you broke your rule of ‘complete non contact’. you said to yourself it was because he had his paper today, and needed to tell someone how it went. inside, you knew you wanted to hear his heavy, lovely voice calling you by your name. but all that conversation gave you was sadness and pain and hurt and regret and grief and missing.
the man you loved is somewhere there, but may never come back.
he talked and was a bit rude, and refused to tell you how his paper went. he is angry at you for leaving him but hey, this was a mutual separation right? or was it? was mutual just a word we created to make this easier? you feel something welling inside you as the conversation continues.
the man you love returns.
you talk a bit more and he starts crying, he begs you to forgive him, he doesn’t like being this person but somehow he is. you could never really see him crying. it was worse that you could not wipe his tears. yet, you remain strong and do not forgive him.
the man you loved is full of hate.
he gets angry. really angry. he screams at you and emotionally blackmails you. but then, you again see the man you loved. he tells you he loves you a lot, he missed you, he wants you back, this is killing him, he is breaking apart and nothing is going right in his life ever since you left.
you feel pathetic, pathetic for you, pathetic for him. pathetic for us.
the man you love gives you hope,
he tells you he has a job interview in the next 5 days and will i call him? you do not know. he bangs the phone and calls you a bitch. this was not the b-word you hoped he would say.
darling, till when will you keep wondering whether that man is there anymore? staying in contact is breaking both of you. you are calling just for the “how are you’s? and half an hour later they become “i love you’s” and end in regrets. this is exactly what you do not need.this is exactly why you are not together anymore.
you cannot afford to wind up in the same place again of crying and missing and remembering and reminiscing. and both of you will never move on this way. do you understand?
forgive, do not forget.he hurt you in the past months. he threatened to hit you, threatened to break down your house, threatened to hook up with another girl, he called you words which sounded so shrill in your ears, and he made you the victim by playing his blame game. he is not the same man you loved anymore. he has changed and you need to move on now.
unless you want to self-destruct and fall into a pit so hard even the longest rope won’t be able to get you out, forget the man you loved.
because baby girl, the man you loved is no more there.
the girl who moved on.
The featured image is from the series De-Selfing © Hsin Wang